Employee Orientation: You and your Machine
Damien Shuck

• The machine must be serviced every day.
• You will turn on the machine at six o’clock every morning, seven days a week.
• You will turn off the machine at eleven o’clock every night, seven days a week.
• You will service the machine every day of the year.
• You will be responsible for servicing the machine on holidays.
• You will have to arrange any days off or sick days with other employees assigned to service the machine.*
• You will hurry.
• You will be back in time for your normal work hours.
• You will not allow your duties to the machine to interfere with your normal work hours.

*You are the only employee currently assigned to service the machine.

• You will drive miles out of your way to reach the machine.
• You will furnish your own car.
• You will furnish you own car insurance.
• You will have the opportunity to attend a safe driving course.*

*The safe driving course will be mandatory.

• When you are not at work or servicing the machine you will be on-call to service the machine should an error occur.
• You will be responsible for repairing any errors the machine has.
• Any errors can be fixed by reading the manual.*

*You do not have the authority to read the manual.**

**You may submit a written request to see the manual.***

***Per article seven, section eight of the manual, “All requests to see the manual will be denied.”

• You may apply to be reimbursed for fifteen percent of the total cost of the safe driving course.*
• You will receive no additional monetary reimbursement for your commute.
• You will not be paid for the time spent on your commute.
• You will only be paid for the time you actually work on the machine.
• You will receive no additional monetary compensation for working on holidays.
• You will receive no additional monetary reimbursement for being on call.
• You will receive no additional monetary reimbursement for the time you work on the machine.
• You will receive an additional 3-4 hours of work at your normal pay grade for the time actually spent working on the machine which should amount to no more than twenty-one additional dollars per week.
• Any time spent on the machine totaling more than twenty-one dollars a week will be deducted from your normal work hours.

*Reimbursement is contingent upon an audit by the oversight management committee determining adequate availability of funds.**

**The oversight management committee has determined there are no available funds.

• Failure to attend or pass the safe driving course may result in immediate termination.
• Any failure to meet your normal work hours for the week may result in immediate termination.
• Any failure to furnish a replacement from the available pool of employees currently assigned to service the machine may result in immediate termination.
• Any requests for days off or sick days must be requested at least six days in advance in order to receive approval from the oversight management committee.
• Failure to receive approval may result in immediate termination
• As per article eight, section seven, of the manual, “Any request to see the manual may be viewed as a sign of incompetence on the part of the employee and may result in immediate termination.”
• Any failure in the performance of any of your normally assigned duties or any duties relating to the machine or any failings of the machine in your absence may result in a probation hearing with the oversight management committee which will result in immediate termination.

Employee Orientation – Damien Shuck

Damien Shuck received a BA from the University of Colorado and an MFA in Creative Writing from the Stonecoast program at the University of Southern Maine.  His poetry has previously appeared in the Cider Press Review and he is the winner of the 2012 New American Poetry Prize.  His first book of poetry is forthcoming from New American Press.